Delusions of Greatness

Growing up in evangelical Christianity, there were many conflicting messages. One of the many messages that got pounded in my head was: “God has a great plan for your life.” I believed it. Even though it never made a lot of sense. As a teenager, I would wonder: How can it be that this entity that I cannot see or feel, let alone understand, has a plan for my life? In addition, I was haunted by the idea that a deity would arbitrarily pick who to bless. To make things more complex, I also heard the message that I was destined for greatness. However, there was not a clear definition of what greatness meant. As a result of my environment, I interpreted greatness as prestige, fame, and recognition. At least, that is what I saw within the circles that grew up in. The internal conflict started when I heard that I had to suffer, need, and lack many material things to be a true follower of Jesus. As a result, greatness was redefined as being poor or in need, which is a horrible way of romanticizing the life of those who suffer systemic oppression.

Regardless of its definition, greatness became something that I wanted to achieve. As time went by and experienced more of the beauty and affliction of this world, I resorted to the idea of greatness as prestige, fame, and recognition. This resulted in constant disillusionment. I looked up to models I considered great, just to be disappointed when I realized that I would not be (like) them.

For that reason, It is easy to see myself in James and John, in Mark 10:35-45. In this short passage of the Gospel, they ask Jesus to sit to his right and left, the seats of honor. Their desires for greatness are taking the best of them as they seek recognition, prestige, and fame. Jesus, however, has a different idea of what greatness is and tells them: “whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all.”

It took me becoming a dad to fully understand what Jesus meant. When my oldest daughter was about 16-months-old, I lost my job. I became a stay-at-home-dad. And, I was finishing my PhD. I would spend a few hours in the morning finishing my dissertation. Then, the afternoon would be putting my daughter down for a nap, and squeezing some reading and research in those precious two hours. Once nap time was done, I would be present, parent, and anxiously wait for my wife to return from work.

One day, after not processing my emotions for a while and bottling up my feelings of disillusionment, I felt like I was wasting away. As I was in the middle of my self-pity party, the baby woke up screaming. I went to her room, and the smell of feces hit me as soon as I opened the door. I turned the light on, and she was holding her hand up in the air. I got closer to realize that her hand was full of shit! Then, I look down to see the crib completely covered in excrement, and the wall with brown spackles as far as the baby could reach.

The crib stopped being useful as soon as the baby learned to climb.

That is when my delusions of greatness took the best of me. I lost my cool. I was angry and frustrated. I was not angry at the baby. I was angry at the situation. I gently grabbed the baby and brought her to the bathtub. I took her clothes off and gave her a bath. I scrubbed the bathtub, and the proceeded to clean her room. I was mad at God, or whatever deity I believed in. I prayed: “Is this the shit that you want me cleaning? Is this truly what I am spending so much time working for, researching, and busting my tail for? This is not greatness! This is not theology or philosophy.” Then, a soft whisper came to me. The whisper came through the giggles of my daughter as she thought it was hilarious that I was scrubbing her poop off the walls. The murmur sounded like: “This is greatness. She is laughing. You’re are cleaning. Whatever you do for the least of these, you do on to me. Whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all.” As soon as the soft voice stopped, I broke down and cried. I felt gently humbled. I finished cleaning and took my daughter out to the park.

Little did I know, I needed to clean many more diapers to actually understand what true greatness is. These days, I believe greatness is being present with those I love, sharing the knowledge that has been shared with me, integrating the fragments of who I am as much as possible, and trying to follow Jesus a little bit more everyday, for “whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant.”